Tele Dog cellphone alert. Place one of these…ahem…cute little doggies by the side of your mobile phone and 3 seconds before your call arrives it will shake its head and start singing to you. Having. Difficulty. Typing. Right. Now. Coffee. Through. Nose. Sorry.

The Radio Controlled Talking Alarm Clock. $29.95. Complete with remote control. And thermometer. Hear your early morning doom, instead of just seeing it. “It’s hot and you’re late, dufus!”  Announces the exact time, temperature & date in a clear, crisp voice. • The first Radio Controlled Talking Alarm Clock • Press the top of clock to hear the time or use the included Remote Control • Infra Red Remote control works at a distance of 30 feet away. • Built-in…

The Talking Cellphone Unlocker. Apparently known as a multi-unlock clip by them what dabbles in this stuff. Shove in some AA batteries, attach to mobile phone handset with suitable adapter, listen to dulcet tones telling you what’s going on and 30 seconds later, one unlocked handset. Not a computer in sight. £99.00 plus postage. Is it illegal? Breaks terms of contract if you do it before your commitment to your service provider runs out, may void your warranty but probably not illegal since…

The Pepper Spray Cellphone. Complete with 130 decibel siren. The latest in a long line of stealth defence products brought to you by Happy & Healthy Industries of Chocolate Farm, Funsville. Not to mention the Pepper Spray Ballpoint Pen and Pepper Pager.   No predator knows you’re armed and dangerous until it’s too late. Rather than struggle with him, offer to hand over your “cellular phone.” Because he doesn’t know what’s coming, this gives you a super opportunity (even if…

The 701P Digital Voice Recorder. $99.95. Cute. 1 AAA battery.

The Touch Code Key Digital Lockset. $449.99. Yes a door lock that you can open with more than just a smile. Use a remote control key for instance. Or a numeric access pass code. Or even a small wireless token. Choice is prpbably all important when trying to enter your lavatory, eh?  The included remote control comes in handy, especially if you have a security system set up that allows you to know who is at the door prior to…

The TMIO Connect Io 30” electric smart oven. It cooks. Yay! It refrigerates. Huh? It connects via cable, Web browser or smartphone. Wow! It costs. $7500.00. Ouch!  Remote Control from your Internet web browser, telephone land line, or cell phone with NASA Remote Command and NASA Embedded Web Technology. TMIO is the first and only to offer such advanced space technology in order to provide unprecedented dynamic oven control features.

The Scrolling Message Mug. $24.95. Tacky gift of the year award?  # Built-in scrolling message display # 8 interchangeable messages: Happy Birthday, Congratulations, World’s Greatest Dad, World’s Greatest Mom, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Cheers Cheers Cheers, I Love You # Glowing message scrolls around the base

One of the surreal things about being a tech journalist is having to think Xmas on a sweltering July day because a PR department wants me to look at upcoming products. Yesterday Alba PLC, a huge budget brand consumer electronics manufacturer, held such a show, but luckily there were some interesting products on offer. So here’s the best of them. Oh and to save your guesses, the theme of this upcoming season may well be ‘USB enabled’.

The Anti Photo/Radar Licence Plate Cover. $27.99. I suppose you call this kind of thing ‘street hacking’? Except they probably don’t….ahem…work.  The Super Protector is your defense against the red light camera and the speed camera. It is a cover for your license plate that makes the numbers on your license plate(s) unreadable by a photo radar or red light camera. When you view the license plate straight on, the numbers are perfectly readable, but from the angle of the speed camera or…

The Rack in a Bag. The car roof rack in a bag. Genius. £19.95.  Rackinabag is exactly what it says – a roof rack in a bag! You store it in your car boot ready for any impulse purchase or unexpected load. It’s lightweight, fast to fit and great value. It uses two high density foam runners (slotted into a tough polypropylene blanket) to support your chosen load and keep it a safe distance above your car roof so no…

The Himbatta Ginseng Brewing Pot. The steam and cool process apparently results in Ginseng juice. Good for you, healthy, arrives in a reddish colour.   MEDICINAL EFFECTS OR RED GINSENG Anti-diabetes effect Effective against gastroenteric disorder Increase of natural immunity against disease Anti-cancer effect Effective against hangover Effective againct anemia Anti-arterioscletosis and high blood pressure effect Anti-fatigue and stress effect AIDS virus inhibition Liver protection Aging prevention Male sterility treatment Osteoporosis prevention Brain activity facilitation Senile dementia prevention Blood circulation

The Cordster headphone cable tidy. $4.95 for a pretty neat idea, elegantly done and in gadget friendly colours. Tangles is like so yesterday, dude. [Thanks Jamie]  Works well with virtually all portable cords, thin and sleek, less than 7mm deep, snaps easily on and off using tough, removable Velcro-like fastener.

The Secure Locking Mailbox. $219.99. If Arnie had a mailbox it would look like this. Black, sturdy, and full of ‘yeah, wanna try it, sucka?’ attitude. We’re intimidated just writing about it.  As the number of identity theft victims rises rapidly, more and more people are seeking ways to eliminate the risk of this heinous crime. Protect your family members from mail theft with the Secure Mail Vault, a curbside locking mailbox that will withstand vandalism, tampering, weather and even your occasional baseball…

The TrailAudio 512MB MP3 player with FM radio. $170.00. One day you may get an irresistible urge to clamber up a mountain whilst listening to Milli Vanilli. Leaving aside all psychiatric issues inherent in that sentence, you may want to carry along one of these puppies. Why? Because it’s got a built in detachable carabiner clip, that’s why. Now stop asking questions and go buy suitable boots.