LuserMan – credit crisis, what crisis…?

An imaginary conversation from a place not so far away.

Ring ring. Ring Ring.

LuserMan (LM): Good morning and welcome to the Luser Bank Credit Card hotline. How may I help you today?

Me: Hi there. Ermm…I’ve just received a replacement credit card from you in the post today, and I notice that it’s already dated as expired from last month. It’s obviously a mistake and…

LM: Ah yes sir, you’re correct. That is how all our credit cards are now being shipped.

(pause)

Me: Sorry?

LM: Yes sir, as I said it is now company policy to send out all credit cards in an expired state. We’re calling it our Renewal Free Super Saver card.

Me:  ?

Me: Ah…OK, so could you explain exactly how I’m supposed to use the card to actually…like…buy stuff? Y’know, just in case I wanted to do that. At some time?

LM: Ah..yes sir.

(pause)

Me: Hello?

LM: Sorry sir, just checking through our frequent questions document…um…credit limits…ahh…incorrect addresses…ah yes here it is. Hmm…it would appear that our credit cards are no longer suitable for actually buying things, sir.

Me: WHAT?

LM: Well to be honest, in this current economic climate, we have been seeing much less demand for a spending card and much more for a…well…lifestyle and savings card. So that’s why we’ve changed policy.

Me: But.It.Is.Called…a credit card.

LM: Yes sir, interesting isn’t it? I suppose they’ll have to change that someday soon. Now is there anything else I can…?

Me: Look son, I don’t give a flying farquar what your answer page says, I want a credit card, not this fatuous piece of plastic gob. Put me on to your supervisor please, I want this nonsense sorted out. I’ve been a customer of your bank for…

LM: Ah sorry sir, we don’t have supervisors any more. There’s just me.

Me: Excuse me…? %*@#?

LM: Well…since the reorganisation we’re now running a completely remote virtual help desk customer satisfaction system, sir. We call it the RVHDCSS. We operate on a franchise basis with call centers situated across the globe. It’s very efficient, our customers love it.

Me: You’re an outsourced, virtual, remote help service? So what are doing, handling calls from your kitchen table in Bangalore?

LM: (stiffly) Actually sir, I am based in Kampala. And I have an accredited home office set up which has been…

Me: LOOK, I DON’T GIVE A RAT’s GONAD!!! I want my credit card back. I’ve got shopping to get, tools to buy, insatiably rabid kids to satisfy…

LM: Please don’t raise your voice sir, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do in this instance. Most of our customers are truly grateful to receive one of these new cards. They come with zero interest, no minimum payment and amazingly, no monthly charge. It’s a very favourable deal all round if you look at it closely.

Me: Favourable DEAL? In what particular way? How can you USE them enough to get a favourable deal? What are you supposed to do, stick ’em on the fridge door and caress them every morning en route to the freshly squeezed? Favourable DEAL????

LM: I’m sorry sir, but if you need more assistance you’ll have to call our special Customer Complaint number on 1 800 555 1234.

Me: All right. Thanks very much, I’ll just….hey now hold on just a minute. Isn’t that the fake Hollywood number they use in all the movies?

LM: Very astute sir, well spotted. It’s our new Time Saver Customer Complaint Line. We’re getting lots of great feedback from….

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