heh heh! posted by

The Adsense 12 Steps.


Hi, my name is Tom and I’m an Adsense Addict…

1. I admit that I was powerless over Adsense – that my life had become unmanageable.
 – I will no longer check my adsense revenues every 3 minutes of every day, of every week, of every month of every year.
 – I will stop sending emails three times a day to the Google Optimization Team begging for tips.
 – I will no longer spend hours agonizing over click through rates, earnings ratios and other time consuming trivia.
 – I will no longer obsessively hover around the ten thousand or so gurus – webmasters – entrepreneurs – experts – scammers or forums looking for quick and easy ways to make an extra $0.12c a day.
 – I will never again buy one of the 20 thousand eBooks for $37.99 promising to give me the ASTOUNDING inner secrets of earning an extra $0.12c per day. The eight I already have will do.
 – I will most definitely stop buying AdWords at $0.30c a click in order to generate a startling return of $0.20c a click from my targeted and carefully placed Adsense scripts.
 – I browsed the word ‘profit‘ yesterday on Wikipedia. It amazed me.

2. I believe that only a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.
 – I have decided that I will never again write something, or alter something that I write, in order to earn more from a keyword. Even if it involves asbestos.
 – I will no longer stay up till 4 am every morning obsessively testing out different keyword combinations on online keyword evaluation services.
 – I will stop tweaking designs every 15 minutes to test why I’m not earning that extra $0.12c a day people keep promising me.
 – I spit in the face of the UPS Club and it’s childish membership rules.
 – I will never again build a website based on the optimum placement of skyscrapers, links and banners. Unless it’s about architecture, golf or cheerleading.

3. I have made a decision to to turn my will and life over to the care of my accountant as I know him.
 – I trust my accountant to direct me to more stable, long term and lucrative means of earning a living for me and my family.
 – I trust my accountant because he does not have a website.
 – Therefore he does not use Adsense. He is not a ‘user’.
 – He does, however, have a life.

4. I will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. And my accountant.
 – I will ask why I have spent so much time, money, and exertion trying to improve my earnings when I could have spent that time profitably doing a real job.
 – I will never again set up 334 websites offering niche expertise, culled from 234 niche websites providing off the shelf writing services ‘in perfic Enlgish’.
 – Which I found through doing a Google search.
 – I will never pay anyone ever again to write me 400 words of expert text on a niche subject, only to end up with something copied from 334 other websites with the paragraphs changed around and a different title.

5. I will admit to my accountant, and to myself, the exact nature of my wrongs.
 – I will tell him, and anyone else who listens, that Adsense has made me a slave to my computer monitor.
 – That my eyes ache.
 – That money has become less of a joy and more of a futile trawl through the memory banks.
 – That I have not seen sunlight for 17 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours and 23 click throughs.
 – That I know absolutely jack nothing about any of the niche markets I am so so desperately trying to corner.
 – That my grandmother knows more about these niche markets than I will ever know.

6. I am entirely ready to have my accountant remove all these defects of character.
 – After a proper audit.
7. I will humbly ask him to remove all my shortcomings.
 – And small change.
 – As long as he has warm hands.
 – My shortcomings are starting to get painful. My small change is rapidly shrinking into tiny change.

8. I have made a list of all the people I have ignored, or harmed, in obsessing about Adsense earnings, and made a decision to make amends to them all.
 – I will stop trying to manipulate my website visitors by changing the design of my Adsense boxes from purple to pink to black every time they click reload.
 – I will start talking again to my loving partner.
 – If I can remember their name.
 – I will stop abusing my web host support staff when one of my sites goes off the radar for 18 seconds.
 – I will stop boring everyone I know with tales of tweaks which generated an extra $0.12c a day.
 – I will stop pestering other addicts with questions like…’so how much do you make a day?’

9. I will make amends in this way wherever possible, except when to do so may harm their Adsense earnings.
 – I will offer all my website visitors a share of the $0.24c a day I make in Adsense profits; after tax, advertising, coffee equipment, and amortization of my accountants fees.
 – I will never again bore my grandmother with accounts of my clever exploits with Javascript.
 – I will tear down the giant 10 foot Adsense
‘heat map’ poster on my bedroom wall.
 – I will return my brother’s scientific calculator with the special /1000 button.

10. I continue to take personal inventory. But only at month end. And if short-changed do not obsess.
 – Too much.
 – I have stopped having nightmares about clicking on one of my own Adsense boxes.
 – I don’t jump any more if the doorbell rings in the middle of the day.
 – I am becoming more relaxed about receiving *that* email message from ‘you-know-who’, saying ‘you-know-what’. Even though I have done nothing wrong. At all.
 – I no longer use, or have addictive cravings for, the Adsense Preview Tool. Honestly.

11. I seek through prayer and meditation to improve contacts with my accountant, as I understand him, praying only for knowledge of his desire and the power to carry it out.
 – I surrender to his superior business sense. And the fact that he is not a ‘user’.
 – I am also impressed by the fact that he drives around in a very nice lime green Maserati. While I drive an ’86 Geo.
 – I respect the fact that he knows how to speak to members of the opposite sex without mentioning words like ‘traffic’, ‘optimization’ and ‘SERPS’.
 – He sees sunlight almost every day.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will try and carry this message to other Adsense Addicts and practice these principles in all aspects of my life.
 – I will tell the world that despite the cold turkey, the vomiting, shakes, diarrhoea and gut wrenching nausea, it is possible to hold back the panic when your earnings drop by 0.011% on a Sunday morning.
 – I will tell the world that you don’t need a global weblog empire to generate satisfaction with your monthly earnings. Just a happy and contented readership who appreciate the fact that their pop up blocker doesn’t get used that much on your site.

With apologies to all the great AA, NA and other august organisations who do so much for genuine and heartbreaking addictions around the world.

1 Comment

  • Great list, I laughed at the by Adwords for $0.30 to generate $0.20 on Adsences, your not the only one to have done this.

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